When i was 3 i was in the hospital for reasons beyond the scope of this STORY. I saw the number “4” on what i now think was a clock and i had no idea what it was. But it scared me beyond my comprehension.
When i turned 4 i saw on my cake was a candle that was in the shape of a “4.” and when i was about to blow out the candle Rita, my sister, did it instead. I was very saddened because at that time because it meant that my wishes would not come true.
still baffled by the number 4 i noticed on a an 8track player had the number 4 on it. And it was red in colour. And when you played track 4 on an old Charlie Pride 8 track it would play “kiss an angel good morning”
When i was still 4 turning 5 i was enrolled in kindergarden. It was when the first aspect of my illness took place. I made a few friends and a few enemies and met a few girls.
When i was 6 i found a “p0rn” magazine and was fascinated by it. And did not know at the time what it was that i was seeing. Being a male who did not understand what sex was i found i needed to look at it more. And in grade 1 {i state grades since i only remember things by grade at this time till i turned 18,} i started becoming a peeping tom and looking under the dresses of the girls.
In grade 1 we, being my class, planted some beans in dirt as an experiment. I was hurt when someone broke the bean plant. So my teacher, Mrs Gerlinsky, gave me hers. Then someone did it to hers as well.
In grade 2, what would be later my first crush, moved into the town. I could not help the fact that her name was written on a map. Nevada.
Later that year i was at a Family reunion and this was when i was told about Jesus for the first time. It made me feel something i felt ever since then. But this is when i first started to believe in him. I wanted to share what i had learned to my parents. And this is when things felt different. And the first ideas of confusion entered my mind.
I felt my first symptoms of my illness bloomed at this time. But i did not know what was happening. I at this time found that if i repeated the word “repeating” in my mind the feeling would eventually go away.
In grade 3 i was hit in the head with a block of ice, after some one shot it up the slide and i was at the top of this slide. it hurt like hell.
In grade 4 i was repeatedly punched in the nose and it bled for at least 30 minutes.
In grade 5 i was sent to a “Social Learning Centre” in the nearby city (Saskatoon) because of the way and how i was diagnosed with a learning disability
In grade 6 i got my first “Nintendo” and i have been into electronics ever since.
In between Grades 6 and 7 i went to the States for my summer vacation.
In grade 7 i hit puberty like a ton of bricks and i finally found out why adults are so sex hungry.
I asked my dad when he started dating and was ignored. I did not at this time understand if i should start dating or if i should wait. Because of this i was to afraid of phoning a girl who's number i had acquired and was then hesitating phoning. Her name was Sheri.
And in grade 8 i dumped her by calling her a bitch and ever since then i have been afraid of dating. I told my self i would wait till grade 12 before i would start dating. That is when i was told i was loved by Andrea. I loved her back but i was to into keeping my promise to my self that i regretted saying into reply what i did. “no you don't”
in grade 9 i started falling in love with another girl but was to afraid again to approach her, unfortunately she moved away before i could tell her so.
In grade 10 i was given signals from a girl who at the time was scaring me so i froze up. Her name was Nevada. (yep the one who moved into town in grade 2)
When I was 15 I saw the Lord in in the sky and he was there for at least 10 minutes. I did not remember asking the Lord for him to show himself but I may have asked before.
The Lord was in the west sky he was near a sunset. And me and my family where headed back from my grandmother’s (and at the time my grandfather’s house.)
I saw him like you would see a cloud formation. It was Jesus regardless of what others told me I saw on that day.
when I was 17 he showed himself again but this time I had requested what I saw. I was about to fight him and his “glory”. I was so convinced by my friend Kirk that he did not exist that I looked up to the sky and said, “I know of all that you shown to your Prophets and all you can do. But if you do not show yourself to me on this day at this minute I will know what my friend Kirk is saying to me is true. And you are a liar and I will convince others that you do not exist and they will believe me because I know you’re not as mighty as you claim to be”
And like an omen to this statement he did what he had done before. He moved the clouds in the air directly above me in the image of his Face. it was Jesus, that was revealed to me in one last not so vain effort of faith that would have been my last had he not listened.
I then continued home since I was already on my way home from my friend Kirk’s place since it was late. It was exactly 10:04 when he showed himself to me in the clouds. And he remained there till I got very close to my home. Then when I promised I would look at the books I found on him, which consisted of a green study bible, He then left the sky. I looked in the green bible study book and I then had all my questions answered. I then went to bed once I dedicated myself to the Lord.
I had a dream that night. It consisted of me being sat next to a computer; I was playing a game on the computer. The game was easy. And I was learning the game well. I then take a look to my right and I saw a lake of murky black water. I thought to myself that I would hate to get thrown into there. I was then picked up and I was thrown in. I tried to stay afloat, I was sinking fast, and I prayed for jesus to save me. I then woke up.
3 days later I was; baptized in the spirit relm, On a Tuesday Feb 4, 1997. At around 4:00 PM Adam was glad that I chose the path I did. I also felt I was to betray Kirk in my decision to join the Lord. However, I was wrong.
Adam also told me that if I were to put it off, making a choice, and if I were to leave his house, then get hit by a car or truck, I would not go to heaven. After I got outside a truck passed me by and almost hit me.
I then went to my friend Kirk’s place and I was told by my friend Kirk that everyone who was my friends for example Greg, Ronald, and Scott where to trying to per-sway me away from the Lord like he had almost did that day I Saw the Lord. At that time I asked for my Compact disc of War craft 2 exp back (since he borrowed it) and I left and was to destroy it. The vision I saw was my friends where in the sphere of influence of Satan.
The following days are sketchy since I was under the influence of my mental illness. I had not slept the night after destroying the war craft 2 exp Compact Discs that night I destroyed the three War-craft Compact Discs because my friend Adam had told me that the game was evil. My friend Ronald came over or I invited him over; I cannot remember witch it was; And I told him I was to destroy the war craft compact discs. And I was to have a witness that I did it.
So I did it in the presence of my friend. I felt I had to purge the compact discs of evil since I wanted to be like a child of God. Ronald dared me to do it since I valued the Compact discs so much since I paid for the compact discs myself. When I did the task he told me that the disk’s where not destroyed. But instead the discs where “broken.” I did not understand until later what was meant by this.
I then felt my mind under a state of reality possibly set to make me see things that are not there to others. In my understanding at the time I saw things that were not visible to anyone but God and I. This is when I saw the 306 and the 14 is 2*7 and the 203 numbers in detail.
It was the information that was being entered by my friend Ronald into my parent’s computer over a modem connection. This is what the information actually was; the 306 is the area code of where I was and am now. The 14 were my address and the 203 were his address. The street was 2nd Ave was where we both lived and I made note of these numbers and I also made note of my birthday and his birthday. His being 14th of March and mine being 27th of April. His birthday was also the same as my address. And the year of birth for the both of us was 1979. I made note of the current year of 1997 and the third year of my illness 1999. We then listened to an audio track of the soundtrack of the game descent 2 he then told me what the person in the background was saying.
Kirk Came over a few minutes later and I felt I had to hide my ideas that I told Ronald, since at this time I was not very trusting of Kirk. I was very delusional and open minded to anything I was told by anyone who I trusted. And dismissed anything from anybody I did not trust and I avoided anyone I did not trust. When Kirk asked for the Descent Compact Disc back I gave it to him and I then quickly asked him to leave.
Since my friend Ronald was banned from the house for stealing a game from my mom. He was at my house with my permission but not my mom’s. So we left the house when I felt that they (my mom and my dad) would return.
Then the walking of the town had begun. And details about the conversation we had where very vague in my mind. I felt that Ronald was possessed by an Angel of God after the time Ronald and I travelled to Adam’s house. To tell him of what was reviled to me this is what I told him. Vaguely
I found that I was told my parable of the three days on this day. Still being Wednesday around 11:00pm I told him what was revealed to me about the end of the time on earth. The signs I had witnessed and what I read in The Book of revelation, Things like those that the year 1999 is the reverse of the 666 that was in the bible and other stuff. I cannot remember it all but I do remember what he told Ronald and I “Say what is in your mind and do not hold anything back.”
He asked if I knew what the symbolism of the index finger and my pinkie finger Meant. He kind of hinted that the Pinkie finger was I, the other was God, and the other fingers are those who stand in between him and me. The thumb was Jesus and he was holding my foes at bay to keep me beside the Lord.
We left the house and we then proceeded to have a very “instinctive conversation” I found that I was walking on the snow and he was walking on the ground. I found that God wanted us to split paths; since that day was the last day we spent together. I wanted to learn everything about the fact I was to be a chosen one of God. Chosen to be a prophet under the Lord’s commands and he was to give me insight through the television. After the walk he and I went to our homes and that was the last time I saw him for more than an hour.
Once home I turned on the television and I saw a movie of my life playing out. It had all the people of my life on it they were played by actors (if I could figure out the name of the movie I would watch it again to see it from a medicated point of view) in the movie there was this boy who was shrouded in a very mystic light. He was like me. He was shy and very distant from the woman he loved.
The television went into commercials at just the right times and just the right commercials answered all the self-doubting questions I had of myself.
Leaving no doubt what I was to do. When I told God that if the woman I loved was to come here I would tell her everything I told God. I then saw what looked like a white car pull up the driveway. (It was actually a brown minivan of my parents but I was seeing a white car instead) I then went to the backdoor and looked closer. It was my parents coming home from work. I then showed all the star maps I had on my possession. It was what Ronald and I had talked about as well.
My parents did not see the purpose of all the parables I had spread before them. I also when asked, “who told you this,” I pointed to God with my index finger. They saw this, but did not consider that it was God I was referring to because my mom asked “what does this mean” and she than pointed up with her index finger like I did. I figured if she wants to act that stupid I was not going to tell her. Since believing is seeing and they wanted to see before they would believe.
I was then in contact with God and he was telling me stuff that I was to do and answering any and all questions I had for him.
(Most people would consider talking to god to be psychotic but in fact it was not. Since I did not explain how I did it to anyone. He told my subconscious mind and that’s where I heard what he was telling me. I did not hear his voice as if most people thought I did. But it was my own voice in my mind that I heard. {The same voice I have always heard and still hear. Even after being medicated. (That is why I was hard to diagnose since I told the truth of my symptoms.
I was seeing things from a different point of view than what I was seeing before. And these points of view lead me to do stuff that other’s thought I would “normally” not do.)} I told my mother of the hand symbol. The one of the index finger and pinkie, She said it was the sign of the devil. And then I explained it was not what she was told before.
It was God and I. Sure others can believe it is the sign of the devil. Perhaps I am a daemon. Perhaps I am not but a false prophet but whatever I am I changed that day because the day prior I stated I was not to be a hypocrite and I would do what I Preached. Read Romans 14:1-12 if you are very judgemental!
God and I had a conversation. And I was being shown the Symbol and all it meant to him and I. I then that morning went to the closest church and I read my bible there since I had not slept that night, since I was talking to god, I found what had to do. I needed my socks for something but I could not remember where I had placed my socks. Since I had to do something with them I looked for them at home then I then went back to Adam’s house since I remembered that I had taken them off there. They where not there, But I found a riddle that the Lord left for me there instead.
When I was to leave his house I asked him what door I should use to leave his house. (The back door of his house had a left and a right door) he told me to take the Left door. Then as I was to open the door, I found that the doorknob was opening by its self. I then said I must choose right over left. So I moved my hand to the right door and left through that door instead.
I then returned home. And I was getting late for school. But school was the last thing on my mind.
When I did arrive at school I was 10 minutes late. I sat down and told my friend Kirk the six celestial bodies on the star chart that I had spread before my parents and I tired to explain what they meant to me. I then was told by him that I was over analyzing things. I also found that he was blinded by the Holy Spirit and he would not see no matter how much I told him. I then got up and, leaving my bible and star chart behind, I went and talked to the teacher. Mr. Cranston. I told him “I have a mission I must accomplish and I must go now. “ I then left the classroom and went to my locker. Another student (I think it was Derek) asked me where I was going. I told him had a mission that I must accomplish it.
I then was told the parable of the 3 days and the 7 years By God. For the three times I was to wait ten minutes for three times. (it is a reference that I was to wait ten years for greater things that was applied to my life.) I was to test my patience to the Lord. If I was to be with wife I had to wait an extra ten years, before I was to marry my Crush. But that’s not how it turned out after all. After I did wait the ten years for her, to change her mind, I would then be able to move on or move in. it turns out it was to be to move on. This was the 3 day parable that i talk about to this day.
I then walked around the town and I even returned home and listened to the answering machine. Three calls where on the phone, Two where a call that had no message. The other was for my sister.
I then got the keys for the car out of the drawer, went outside, and stuck them into the car. I was going to do my mission with the car. God told me to reconsider. I then got out of the car and I found an ad for a church. I picked up the ad and I tried to locate the church. I walked south until I figured the church had been swept away. (It turned out the church was farther south than I went.) So I went to the church to the north and I put the ad on the doorknob, and left for my next task.
I was then spotted by the principle of the school Mr. Enns, as well as Adam, Kirk, and Derek. They then took me back to the school, where I sat for 20 to 30 odd minutes until my mission of patience was complete. They asked me why I was looking at my watch so much and why I was also looking at a pictures of the Queen and the Prince that was her husband That were in the school office.
I imagined myself in the picture of the prince and my Crush in the other picture.
I then told them I would only talk to Adam and no one else, since he was the only one that was making any sense to me.
He then told me that God does not talk to people and as soon as I heard this contradiction to what just happened I closed my ears to everyone in that building. And then I was asked if I wanted to talk to my crush. I said no, since I was to wait more than 10 years before I was allowed by god. I was then taken to the hospital where I told my friends of the 3-day parable that I was on the first day and everyone would FRY on the third day. Since that day was a Wednesday.
A lot of stuff happened in the hospital but none of it made sense to me. Other than the fact I saw my crush with a fire red hair in an image in my mind. Her friend had red hair but she did not. I thought it was a combo of her and her friend. But I found out just a few days prior to writing this what it really meant.
I also saw a few other things happen. Since I lost all track of time in the hospital I cannot remember the order it all happened in: I was told to get in to the bathtub by God and I was to pour water onto my bible. That had then later turned yellow. And where the water landed it stayed the same colour. Then got out of the bath and walked over to another patient and as told to ask her what just happened. She told me that I was just baptised by Jesus, since I was wearing a robe like him.
I called my friend Terry and told him a Coded message. He asked me if this was a joke and I told him it was not and to ask Ronald what it meant.
I one day almost was convinced by someone that I was going to hell. And someone else told me to remember and have faith in Jesus.
I saw a man who looked just like an image of Moses in the area. And he had a yellow bible.
When I got out of the hospital I had been in the hospital for 6 weeks.
When I returned to the school I was treated very differently. My enemies had become my friends my friends became my enemies and my crush was even father from me than she was before. I was told I would not graduate and I then gave up for that year of school. And I kept to myself.
The next summer I voluntary went into the hospital again to see if I could be taken off my medications. I failed. I got a lot of other visions then too. But I remember none.
They told me I would be in for 2 weeks. I was in for three instead. (This is important since it was a part of another vision I had, the same one about the three days. and the test of patience.)
When I did get out I was back on my medications and also a new one, the infamous Haloperidol or hal-dol for short. I was then taken off my current meds after the hal-dol was in effect.
I took the next school year and almost finished my first class of the two I needed. But 2 months before I was to finish the first class I went off my med’s by on advice of me to see if I really needed them since the side effects where too much for me.
The visions of that time where strange as well, so I do not speak of them anymore. Adam was not all that trusting in me as well because of something I said just before I went into the hospital. From one of these visions then the fateful day that I should have not done but I was testing my valor on this day. I walked to school bare foot on January 12th and froze the bottom of my feet. And that’s when my physical agony started.
I then was telling god I had given up on my life. And I wanted to die “like NOW!” And I would sacrifice my body to save everyone else. (I was ready to die and I also wanted to go to hell since my patience had run dry) I was in a lot of pain and I asked for some Advil but the doctors insisted on giving me Tylenol. I took the Tylenol but it only dulled the pain. I was later drugged since I was destroying the floor linings at the bottom of the walls. I also would not allow anyone to visit me. Since I was indecent, I was knocked out from the drugs that they gave me in a cup of apple juice and when I regained my consciousness I felt more pain in my leg then I had in my feet, As though my leg was asleep. And I could not move off the floor at all. Even if they put the food at the top of the table I was unable to eat since they had done this.
I after a few days on the floor I tried to bring my food down from the table and eat it on the floor. I was unable to make it to the washroom so I had to urinate on the floor where I lay.
I even tried a few times to crawl to the toilet but I was unable to make it up and on it. I was able to regain my strength once they picked me off the floor and put me in a chair. I stayed in that chair for about 1 day. Until the time I was to have a bowl movement.
I forced myself up out of the chair and painfully walked to the toilet, where once I sat down I could not get up. I yelled for assistance but I was there for at least 20 minutes before a very kind lady came in with a walker and assisted me off the toilet. I was then helped back into the chair and I stayed there until my leg started to swell. A medical doctor arrived to look at someone else’s problem. I called to him and asked him if he was a medical doctor and not a mind doctor or as I called them at that time a quack.
He said he was and I asked him if he could look at my leg. My left leg was twice the size of my right leg. And it was hurting more than ever. He then put me in the bed and I was attached to an Intervenes of blood thinners.
I was on the blood thinner non-stop for at least a day. The pain was even more and more unbearable. So I asked for some Tylenol again since they denied my request for Advil before. I then, after a few days, had another bowl movement but when I asked for assistance to the bathroom they told me to go on the bed. So I did.
And it was as black as night. Since it was clotted and digested blood. “I was bleeding out the back,” they told my parents.
They quickly hooked me up to a heart monitor and took me off the blood thinners.
I kept taking the heart monitor pads off my chest since they itched. And I kept doing this until I lost consciousness. The last time I did it they watched me and every time I tried to go to sleep the very rude person who I did not like at the time kept saying to me, “Ryan, Wake up” so I would wake up. An then each time I started falling asleep and he then yelled “Ryan, Wake up” this was getting to the point I felt I needed rest and he was more than starting to annoy me. So after the fifth time I ignored him and went to sleep with him yelling in my ear to wake up.
I woke up once I felt rested to find I was not breathing under my control. I had a tube connected to a big balloon that someone was squeezing in my lungs and I was on my way to the intensive care wing of the hospital.
Since I saw and felt I was moving and I knew I was no longer in the Psyche Ward .So I let go of my effort to breathe. And I let the lady who was squeezing the balloon to control my breathing. I then passed out again.
The next visions I had where in dreams while I was in an unconscious like state. And some of them where while I was awake as well.
DREAM 1
A bulldozer was destroying my hometown and I was trying to stop it. The bulldozer completely destroyed my town when I gave up. The bulldozer chased me. And I escaped only to find it was moving the town to a new location. The bulldozer left and everything was intact just as it was before it came.
DREAM 2
I was standing close to a pool of dung. And I was pushed in. while I was In this brown pool I let go of my breathing and I tried to drown. A hand grabbed me by the head and pulled me out after about 2 minutes in this pool and put me out side of the pool, it was Jesus and my Dad was beside him, they told me not to give up. And my dad told me that he loved me just as he did the first time I entered the hospital and Jesus said not to worry if the woman that I was in love with does not like me back and I was to forget her and move on. I then walked along with Jesus and asked him of my future. I told him I had nothing to live for and I needed to be with him more than I needed to live. He told me that I was in a low time in my life and things will improve if I give it more time and if I forgot that I would be doomed to repeat it
I woke to find that they had cut open my leg to figure out what was causing it swell so much. And they, as soon as I had awakened, told me that my leg had a dead muscle in it and I might lose my life if they did not operate to take the muscle out. The word gang green was also stated. Because of what Jesus told me I had a little more confidence then I did before I had the dream. I than gave them permission to operate.
I was put on a waiting list since the leg was not yet life threatening, as I lay there with my leg rapped up in a dressing.
DREAM 3
I had a few scary dreams one that led me to believe I was in a torture chamber. I had a dream that the guy next to me was having his fingers cut off and he was connected to a mess of wires. And since I was near a wall I could not see anyone else close to me. And I looked at my fingers and they where stubs of grey and red goop as my leg were when I saw my leg while having the dressing changed before this dream.
DREAM 4
Another dream I had I was “walking” and I remembered what had happened to my leg. I saw two “X” stitches in my leg. I than dropped to the floor saying to my self that this dream was not real because I (at the time) felt I would never walk again.
When I woke up that guy was there and he was sleeping and his fingers where intact and so where mine, about an hour later he was carted off to have his surgery. And all I could think of was that dream. Then after a few hours he was brought back and He said, “I feel awful, am I going to die?” the nurse said to him that his surgery was a success and he was going to be ok. “I don’t feel ok.” He muttered just loud enough that I heard him. Then after awhile he was taken to recovery. And it was my turn. I was asked to count backwards from 20, I only made it to around eight, and I was out.
3 days later after a time of “silence of mind” I came too. Thinking only 20 minutes had passed I made a mistake of trying to move my leg.
The guy who was in the room told me not to, but I had already done it by the time he spoke to me. He asked me if I knew what the date was. And I said it was the 25th of January he informed me that it was the 28th and I was sedated for 3 days.
At this time I felt the climax of the pain in my life. It was so unbearable that I screamed. And I asked, “What the hell happened!” It was then I realized how much muscle was taken out. The whole upper right quadrant of my lower left leg was removed. And my leg was full of drains and sutures in its place. I was then given five large shots of morphine in my pick line while I kept asking for more till the pain was gone. It took five shots to kill the pain and since I was in so much pain and I was crying and screaming so they gave it to me. Until I calmed down, I then said “good, the pain is gone I can now sleep in peace” since the morphine knocked me out yet again. About 3 hours later I woke up and they asked me if I wanted to watch T.V. but after an hour of watching the Olympics I asked for the television to be turned off, Since I had visions of death from the competitions on the television and how I even saw a down hill skier die on the slopes, From a rerun. It disgusted me.
I was taken to the fifth floor of the RUH new building. And I spent the next month hopping from room to room. Since my mom was off work because she had a surgery of her own for carpal tunnel she spent a lot of the time that she was able to visit with me. We watched Star trek TNG a few times together since I had cable in the hospital that my mom bought for me.
I came out of the RUH only to be sent back to the Psyche ward and to acquire an infection in my leg. I was then sent to the 6th floor of the RUH where I had refused to be sent back to the Psyche Ward As well as to be treated at all. Since they said they could not do anything for my leg. I told them that I wanted to speak to the person in charge. And to my surprise I was already speaking to him when I made that request.
So I was sent back to the psyche ward even after I told them not to. And my leg got worse. Then under advice of a very beautiful doctor I liked to call “Hi Mac, Bye Mac” since her name was “Dr. Bimach” we where sent to emergency in the same hospital. And I was treated for the first time as a regular patient with no mental illness. (Like a new clean slate) Then I had an operation to see how infected it was, they planed another operation to remove the infection, and I was put back on the fifth floor. Where I was treated with the respect I had remembered from before.
After waking from the fourth operation I felt as each time I had an operation that the pain was less and less each time. Then they realized I was already admitted as a mental patient and they where going to send me back to the psyche ward when my parents did something that I was glad for.
They had me sign a form giving them power of attorney. Then I was no longer bugged to be brought back to the psyche ward since I technically was not in a position to think for myself anymore and I felt the burden lifted off me.
My parents explained the procedures to me, then I was able to accept them without automatically saying “no,” and then things went well after I signed that paper.
Since I was 19 at the time my parents could not have a say in this until I signed that paper giving them the power to think for me.
They did this because I was always refusing treatments that would save me. And they the doctors thought that if I was in the psyche ward I would have been I had no power to say no anymore and save my life so they could do what they wanted with me. But both my parents and I disagreed that the people in the psyche ward knew at all what they where even doing and it would make things worse.
The doctor that prescribed my medication was not even watching where his name was being used on the pills he was supposed to of prescribed to me.
My parents did a little digging on my behalf to find out that the doctor’s who’s name was on my prescriptions had thought that, when they sent me to the physic ward, that I had in fact been discharged.
And then they and I asked him and that’s when we found out about the “chain of command” in the psyche ward.
So I asked a question that would set me free of that hospital. I asked, “If I was not a mental patient, what would you do with me?” the answer he gave me would be exactly what we would end up doing. “You get sent home and home care nurses would tend to your dressings until you are fully healed” then I asked how soon could we do this? And after that statement I was out of that torture chamber and at home with my parents for the last year of my life there.
I turned 18 & 19 in the hospital and I did not want to spend my 20th birthday in the hospital either. So I spent the next 6 months on my back at my parents’ house where we got Internet and I was able to chat with my friends who had it as well.
I used that power a little too much and started driving people crazy with requests to come over since I could not leave the bed until my leg closed.
I lost my friend Terry at this time. But Kirk was there for me a lot more than before and had he not of been, I would of never of been friends with him to this day. But since I was able to later ask Terry for forgiveness I salvaged our relationship about 5 years later only to have him dump me as a friend 6 months later.
I was given a psyche nurse before I had my operation on my leg and I did not really start interacting with him until after this hospital experience. His name was Mike and I was very rude to him most of the time. But after my last hospital Stay (to RUH) I changed my attitude towards him but I was a little too late.
That is the last chapter in my life as a child. And all the visions I had and what has happened to me as a result. And most of my decisions as an adult have resulted from.
what happened next was apart of my adult life.
When I was in the mental health system in Saskatchewan, I was what they would call “stable” for about 7 years after the last part. 4 of these years I was asked by Rodger, my mental health nurse, to try a place called “Saskatchewan Abilities Council” where I was in the system of that place learning how to be productive as an employee of a business. I do not hate SAC but I was shown how unpredictable the system is. Let’s just say I really wanted to get a real job after the first year of being in there.
I made a few friends after realising that I needed friends, while I was working in the packaging department.
I also developed an allergy to flax but they treated it as a cop out from doing my chores in the packaging department. But I developed a rash on my face that was brought on by the flax dust in the air while we were working on the flax products. I was then working with oats instead. I than got my chance to work else ware. I was accepted into the work experience program. That is where I met Lana. She was very friendly but she also had a dark side.
I then started working at “Agtron” as my first placement. I loved this "hands on" job. I found that it was fun. But when I reported to Lana my realisations that I had made from the job she was quick to criticise my actions. She made me feel as though I had not done right in her eyes.
I was then placed in a job that I had no idea what to do with most of my time there because it was not a “hands on” type of job. It was a socialisation type of job and I could not cope with it because of my poor social skills.
The third placement I found I enjoyed, I was working at the food bank and I was doing various tasks that required no socialising skills but I tried to make friends with those who I was around. Lana had also criticised me when I reported something that was not a big deal to the others there but she made me feel like crap at that time. Because I was told that it was a big deal by her.
On the fourth placement, it was February and it had rained the night before. In this weather the ground was very slippery. And I was wearing a brace on my left leg because of the operation I had on it a few years prior.
While walking from the bus stop to the place I worked at I slipped and fallen to the ground only to twist my foot inside the brace and hear a snapping sound. I thought I had sprained my foot. But it was worse than that. I had a fracture in my left ankle. But I did not realise that until after Lana left. Before she left she asked me if I was ok. I told her “no” for the first four times she asked. The fifth time I realised she did not know how to listen to what she did not want to hear.
So the fifth time I said I was going to be ok. But I told her that because it’s what she wanted to hear from me and I say that because when I said that she left me to work on my broken leg. At the time I thought it was a sprain, until I stood only on the leg that was broken to bend over to pick something off the floor.
The pain of my ankle shot up my leg only to my realisation that the leg was broken I than asked for someone to take me to the hospital because I did not know that ambulance rides where covered by my Social assistance.
Instead they called Lana to do that for me. And boy was she ticked. Because it was something like 10 minutes after she left.
She then told me that “if you are to get into my car your work experience is terminated.” That is when things went from bad to worse. I took that threat seriously. After arguing and almost crying I got into her car and was taken home instead of to the hospital. Where I phoned my parents and they phoned her. That is where the term “bitch” came into play.
My parents made an appointment with our family Doctor. He then ordered some x-rays be taken. And then I saw how seriously my leg was broken. the 2 parts of the bone did not line up at all. I had surgery to repair the bone and I also had a plate put into my leg.
I than made the appointment to return to the SAC training center, after my leg had healed, I then did return, Once I did, I noticed her. A new face of someone whom I liked and who I figured I could have been able to get to know her.
But my fear of new loves in my life, and I did not want to happen what happened before. But this time I found out she had an attitude problem with new people and she was in a stage in her life that new friends are not a good thing.
I made the mistake of trying to introduce myself to her. That is when I made the assumptions that she is not worth it. But my feelings for her I could not kill. But then I tried looking elsewhere for a love but I could not. I could not move on from her. That is when I was insulted by her and that hurt so much that I started hating her. This was a year before I started blogging. I felt so negative towards her I expressed it on my blog. (Today that blog has been deleted) but I was figuring that she read my blog and to my surprise everything that happened was because of my blog. Or so I thought.
When I found the blog of my first crush I tried to make contact with her. And I asked her if she remembered what happened in the days that she and I where together. Her husband responded. And then I backed off but not before I gave her husband a message that “she should respond to details of the past and not him” or something like that.
This is when my meds where changed. And because of this I changed my outlook on life, possibly because I was on mood stabilizers and not anti psychotics.
I started blogging and my thoughts I put on the net. And that is where my life was documented till now.
But even those documents were not saved, unless god wanted me to save them.
But what is not known by me is god’s plan for my life. I can make choices in my life and I found that if I was to dwell on things that I had no control over it was because I had control over them indirectly.
2 years after I first noticed her I realized that I was in love with her. But it was not returned until I noticed something. That she was noticing me, or so i thought. but then I think she felt the same way about me that I felt about her but not at the same times. After I “dumped” her from my likeable list, i told hers and my common friend that I hated her, because of an insult, I noticed that she started resenting me. Since I could not read her mind I basically thought that the insult from her was an insult from her. And that I stood no chance in her books and thus in mine she stood not a chance in mine.
I was then afraid of her, fear that she would insult me again. So I told her and my friend that I hated her and I would punch her in the nose if she did it again, again, to Insult me, again, that is. She never did. And thus I never did, punch her, that is. But the threat was still there. I was afraid of her hurting me and she was afraid of me punching her in the nose.
and then out of frustration I than started the gossip. And how she is just a horrible person and how she will also soon become a friend stealer.
As I look back now on this chapter I know that my fear and her fear is what kept us apart. Until the day I started to face my own fears, All 11 of them. The ones I faced I over came the ones I ran from I still fear.
Like most stories based on fact, fiction comes into play when only one side of the story is expressed. I would have loved to of learned her side of the story. Her reason for why things happened because of her actions that she even after an attempt to communicate to her still baffles me. It all started to unravel when I asked a person who I was friends with at the time some information at that time. I did not know how reliable that information was but I found it cleared up a few things that I had a misconception about. So knowing full well that she was the enemy I tried to find out as much about her as I could possibly could know about her. Why her? So I could fight back. Have some information about her that I could use against her. This was before I decided read the entire bible. I wanted to plot revenge, against her and her mind games. I’d say because of her I was losing my focus on God. Until I started having visions again of the world after the Rapture and I did not know what the rapture was until Chuck Missler on “learn the bible in 24 hours” explained the Rapture to me.
I felt I was not ready for the rapture until I read the whole bible. But it was hard to do until I found a copy of the bible on audio from the net. I then started reading every 3 hours a day non stop until I was given a leave of absent from Sask abilities. Then I spent all my time reading it.
Then one fate full day, while I was still in Exodus in my reading, I decided to “face my fears” before I always kept my distance from her, CJ, but on this day I decided to face my fear of her insulting me. So I sat one seat in front, of her, and I brushed her off when all that she was doing was complaining. I said to her “yea, whatever!” and with that she changed her expressions to me. I had won the first battle but I lost the war. Because the second battle I fought without saying a word to her. I just hinted that she was the cause of my “pain” and that I was back-stabbed by her. I should have realised that she “told” on me and that the “others” told her to listen to what I had to say to her. But then again I said not a word to her.
I remember this day as one of my biggest mistakes. But I also see this day as a great achievement. Because I could communicate to her and she was listening, at that time. But I said the wrong things to her, only because I was still mad at her. Around this time I was starting to make mistakes at work and I thought it was because I could only think about her. I found out later it was because my meds had started to wear off and the mood stabilizers have made me happy on the outside. But on the inside I was falling apart. I wanted others to know I was falling apart so on the bus I asked someone to do me a favor and stab me in the back with a knife from the kitchen. I made sure that CJ could hear me say this so she would “back stab me again and get it over with”
Instead all I heard from her was silence. And others where asking “WHY?” all I could say was that “if you where in my shoes you would ask the same thing.” That was my first cry for help. My second cry for help was a poem that I started with the saying “first impressions mean the most when your body is just a host” and I had posted it on the bulletin board at work.
My third and final cry for help was the 7 page letter that explained everything to her. Had I known that she did not read that letter entirely well I would have said “please help me” Instead of the 7 page letter. Since I found out that she did not read the letter but did not reply I found out that I had no choice but to put her in my past.
So I was so concerned that she would hurt me again I was afraid to return to work. So I also sent that letter to her so I could free myself from the burden of not knowing the truth and the thoughts of being hurt by her.
And on September 1st of 2005 I decided that I was going to be hospitalised. So I was. And on the 21st I was released because of my parent’s idea that I would move to Alberta to where they lived. Thus begins my Alberta experience. But while I was in the hospital before moving to Alberta I found that I had forgotten what she looked like. And I was glad. So I could “move on”
After being hospitalized for 21 days I found that I was still feeling stressed out. But I was feeling better and also feeling that I could move on from CJ and get my life on a track that would lead to my independence. But I was still ill. The drugs that had kept me stable for the last 8 and a half years regardless if I had a double dose stopped working and where causing me to become very agitated but unknown to me at that time was; that I was having psychotic visions of the distant future. That partly came true on December 30th, of 2006, but the next part did not yet.
On September 8th of 2005 I wanted to have a better life and I was determined to leave this life that I left in Saskatchewan behind. So once I got to Alberta my hope of a better life was starting to die. To reassure that if I was not to give up hope that I would revive my need to return I every chance I got I would complain.
I was treated better in Saskatchewan, but they made the mistake to not listen to me when I did cry for help (both in Saskatchewan and Alberta.) I was not used to making decisions about my dependence. And I needed to gradually get used to the idea.
I also found that I was afraid of both independence and the change that I was undergoing. But I hold on to my beliefs about fighting oppression. As I started writing for a year I made blog after blog of my times. I was blogging to those who cared, and even to those who would not. Because recently I found I was living a lie. I thought that she was giving me a chance but no chance was given. The obsession was that she cared when she was the one to have an attitude problem and was the grudge maker, the non peace maker at all. And I only know her as CJ.
When I had gotten to Alberta and since my parents (one being retired and the other working for SPAN AKA St. Paul abilities network) thought how I would fit in to the system at SPAN.
I speak low about SPAN because I was not treated with the equality of a person with needs that were not being met till I made a stand for it. And to organise my thoughts I needed to write them down.
And when I did I was not allowed to show anybody including clients and staff.
And so on November 11th I decided that I wanted to go back to Saskatchewan, but I had no means to get there and no way of bringing my stuff back with me.
So I was bugging my parents to take me back until I found out what I would have to go through to get there and in the system I gotten free of. But every time I told my parents to take me back they would ignore my explaining of my circumstances. And my reason to return was not good enough.
My dad later admitted that he was angry because I was not giving this place a chance, when I in fact already did. So they kept telling me to give it a chance. And I told my dad that he was just like talking to a brick wall.
So after returning to my “home” I told Brant, the team leader, that I wanted to move out of the house that I was in. (The house was called “White Oaks.”) And that I wanted to have some of the pressures taken off of me since I was getting ill again. And my stress was at an extreme and I started trying to get the attention of others and such to have them to get me out. Then on December 11th I was placed in the hospital to try to get my meds sorted out. And the first stuff I was put on where just what I needed. So they made it every 14 days I would get this shot in my arm. And when day 10 came after I was released.
I also met someone but I knew that she was too emotional because of her need to control every one else. If I found something funny on TV, and she did not, I would get heck. And it did not stop there. If I was “with attitude” I would get heck. And so I started hating this female, only later to feel an attraction. It was the same feeling I got and had for CJ. So I called it love.
I expressed this love to her because I wanted things like these to stop until I got out of white oaks. And sure enough just like CJ she did not love me back. Then I knew that once out of white oaks I would feel relaxed...
This girl’s name was ‘Jackie Nemes’ and boy was she ever messed up. She is one Who had to feel that she loved you one day and another she did not care about you. So I did the same. Just not as often. But more severe, I also told her that I do not play games with the hearts of others. I wanted her not to do the same, but she did not catch on. She was the worst second only to CJ at making you feel like crap.
And boy you should have seen the sparks fly once I got out of white oaks and told her the stuff I had to say to her since she would not be protected by the rules of white oaks.
So at the start of February my year of rest from stress that did not have to worry me. And begain my battle to get me out of the province started.
In February of 2006 I was relived of most stress. And I started to heal for the first time but without wake up calls and such that kept my sleep stabilised. Regardless of how hard I tried, after living at white oaks, I could not get up on my own. Partly because I did not want to get up and I needed more sleep than what I was getting. And after 10 days my injection was wearing off and the last 3 days before my next injection I would get nervous and agitated and I would also get visions and memories that were not my own. Fortunately I remember none of them.
Since I was given my notice to leave white oaks I wanted to leave for Saskatchewan but I knew not how to do it. Since I had a lot of things to go through before I could be returned to Saskatchewan and such I could not do it on my own. I needed help. Thus I started panicking, and since I was given the chance. I moved into the apartment that my parents moved into only to drive each other nuts.
Some nights I would spend it awake and very sorrowful for the life. The life I left behind. I also wanted to know what she was thinking of me those days before I left. But I had no way of knowing until I returned for a week to find out that she no longer worked there. After knowing that I felt safe and I wanted to go back to the council but I needed to get back into the system and I knew not how.
The threat that my dad said to me was “if I take you back to Saskatchewan I will leave you there and you can figure out how to get your life back.”
My dad’s unjust anger was from them the ones at white oaks who tried to control me using scare tactics the life I wanted to get back was not to scare the person but to help them. I never felt scared except when around CJ at SAC. And even then I could not face my fear of her. Nor do I ever want to until she no longer feels fear of me.
I spent the next 6 months at my parent’s apartment trying to explain to them that I needed help to get back into the system in Saskatchewan and every time I made a point about something my dad would ignore me and my mom would run away. It was like talking to someone who did not care about my opinion but cared how my life would turn out.
I spent the first month trying to set my lines and boundaries about what I would and would not honour.
Knowing full well that if I left Alberta I would lose my money I was now getting from the Alberta government in a program called AISH. I started to settle but then a few months later my mom got accepted in SIAST,(Saskatchewan institute of applied science and technology) In moose jaw. I told them at that point if they where headed back to Saskatchewan I wanted them to take me with them. So they asked me what they would have to do to get me back there. I then told them what I found out a few months prior. I needed a shrink, and to get a shrink I needed a doctor’s referral and to get a doctors referral I needed a health card and to get a health card I needed a place of residence in Saskatchewan. And to get a place of residence I needed a Shrink.
Yea that kind of Miracle was required. Hopefully you understand that I could not do this all that much by myself. As I kept telling my nephew that I left a better life behind, since he was living with us at the time. Once he left for his mother’s home my parents started the long and daunting task to return me to Saskatchewan.
So the process of getting me back into Saskatchewan was started. But like most processes it took time. So I lived with my old friend Robert in Martensville. And I used that as my headquarters to get me back into Saskatchewan. As I used that address as my residence and I started the chain to get me back into the system in Saskatchewan. So I applied for my health card. And after that I applied to get on Saskatchewan social assistance. While still having my old health card from before I left.
I was able to get an appointment at a shrink but using my health card that I had from my place in Alberta. Even though I got my shrink in Alberta to write a letter of referral that once in Saskatchewan was useless. So we, my mom and I, got our family doctor in Saskatoon to refer us to another Shrink in Saskatoon. And after that things started, for once, to fall into place and in the start of September I was back in the system.
I was put onto a waiting list to return to Saskatchewan abilities Council.
After spending 6 months of my life waiting to get back into SAC i found that it was harder then they had let me to believe, But I was not bitter. But that is not what they led me to believe, i was just Fed up with the Bull i had and was facing but then after the 3 more months of waiting i got in.
The quest of trying to communicate with CJ took more twists and turns then i could handle. she misinterpreted my letter as a "Hate letter" instead it was a plea for her to stop focusing on me unless she wanted something from me or to be my friend.
at the time of writeing this i still hold on to the hope, but that hope is currently gone, that i can still be her friend even though we never clicked. but what i was able to get from her i found that she was very cautious in making new friends. and i knew that she would not talk to me. she never did. Except to say "we can hear you." but that was back in the days that i used to have her attention. i have nothing to say to her other than what was already said in that letter that i have no control over, Anymore.
The people at SAC kept me from going back because i "scared" her, and made her feel very uncomfortable. But they lacked the effort to see how i could have felt when i did write that letter. But in the days that i could not think, i made the Choice. And that choice was to ask her to make up her mind. And go with those feelings. She probably was not ready for a commitment.
i acquired her email address shortly after returning and i tried to communicate with her that way. but still with no success. as soon as i did find communication with her i did not appeal to her good side. she hates me and i might as well give up on her. but i know it is not possible any more. i kept beating myself up with the idea that i did something wrong. when in fact i never was treated fairly from day one. that was the day i introduced myself to her.
After i made it past the probation period At SAC i found that i wanted to quit the council, Seeing that CJ was no longer there. i found i was truly alone there. Not for CJ’s sake but my own. i had a hope that she would return if she was only on the "work experience" program like i was once. But alas she was not. Because i was told a few months prior that she had gotten a job. So i know she will never be the one that, i hope, will someday see the light and see that, i was there for her all along. but if only she would see the light and see that my compassion goes beyond my just anger from her insult.
i did not want to get involved in the gossip i know does go on there but thinking back to the times i left CJ in the past and finding that i, no matter how hard i tried, could not put CJ into my past and leave her their.
i so wanted to find out if i just misunderstood her intentions. i wanted to put how i felt about her on the table and see if i could place my bets and see if she would call my bluff. you see in the past few months prior to writing this i had forgiven CJ for the way she treated me, and i also have tried to establish communication with her.
sure it was indirect and through e-mail and it was not in person and to the point. but i also wanted to get over the negative and overwhelming feelings i was having for her. and when i managed to get a hold of CJ's e-mail address and i started e-mailing her to tell her that i wanted to end the war that we had between me and her. but i did not get a reply once i told her who i was.
i was not all that nice to her in these e-mails because i was still hurt by what she had done a while back. Mainly because of the insult that she had given me. i only wanted to put her in my past and move on. i never could. i know now why she will not talk to me, it was so obvious but i did not see it until October 11 2007.
i thought she wanted to talk to me but does not know what to say. Or at least this is what kevin told me. but i know now that i could not and will not start the conversation with her since i have not gotten a response from her when i did. (unfortuneitly kevin is a known BS'er)
i know that i will not and can, not be her friend until she breaks down the wall she has erected between us. i once had such a wall but now mine was gone and i wish she would also break down hers. since i cannot get past this wall. it would of been of great use to me if she had no figurative wall but i know that i cannot and will not knock the wall down unless she lets me.
my changed attitude towards her are the results of being tired of hating her and fearing her. mainly it was because i was sick of the crying that i had been doing.
And on Oct 28 2007 it finally happened i had a conversation with her. and boy did it ever scare the hell out of me. but at least i know that i would of waited in vain. i knew then that i loved her in vain.
ever since the conversation i had with CJ i think back to the times that i had with her, it never was all that great. it was not the way i wanted it to be, every so often i see her on the bus, i want to talk to her, i really do, but i know not what to say to her. i take into consideration all the ways she has responded to me, when she did. it was not all that often that i have seen her after i told her that i wanted to talk to her "face to face" that i see her, but i know that she does not want to talk to me face to face or through email for that matter.
Just before my 29th birthday i knew i was not getting any younger and neither was she. i think she knows this and from what i can tell she is knowing this well. from what i could tell the time i almost talked to her on the bus but did not it seems like i hit her with a "i want you to make the first move or this relationship is going nowhere" idea.
i know that i made her very uncomfortable because of the way i feel when i am around her. Women are great mirrors to your attitude towards them i found.
i no longer want the CJ of my past. the CJ i knew in my past is a mean one. the CJ i want to know is Caring and patient and if that is not her, then i want someone who looks like her that is or at least i want someone who is that caring and patient.
Maybe it's just me but i am not the only one who thinks i have to let go of my ties to CJ. i know she wants to forget about me and i her. if only i was not so scared of her, and because of that, she scared of me. ever since my birth day in April of 2008 i have been letting go of all my ties to her. i have been avoiding the bus that she and i keep taking at the same time. but more often then not she avoids that bus when she sees me on it. i know she wants to forget about me and i her. at least we can agree on that.
so thinking on the 25th of july 2008 i started my main "let it out" blog and have been posting to it ever since. when the 7 years do come to an end, i know it was not in vain. (edit: 05/08/12 the following is a new Chapter in my life that i feel i need to explain.)
4 years later, in 2012 i felt i have entered a new chapter of my life. here is the explation
i even though i feel the same about CJ i know that i have been making things harder on my self and her since the fact that i could not put her in my past. and make amends. i have for the 4 years to try to forget her and have either been reminded by so called friends, or people who have entered my life and made me revive my feelings for her. for example, when i felt that she was no longer on my mind i see someone who looks like her and i feel that it is because of the hope that God does not want me to lose heart of.
after i started my blog over again i saw hidden messages in songs that i played and i felt the feelings for her had not been successfully purged. the next song i posted on my songs and lyrics blog had reignited my feelings for her and how i had to give her a full 7 years of my life to her.
but since i wanted a clean slate i felt that the next person who reminded me of her i would become good friends with and try to keep CJ out of my life. i found that it was unsuccessful. i scared the women that found out that they reminded me of her avoided me like the plague. this happened twice. first Was Kim the next time was Chantel.
but after erasing my old blog i was given the opportunity to enter the "transition" program at SAC. it allowed me to get the Job i always wanted. i was given a volenter position at Computers For Kids. a nonprofit origination that gives computers to those who need them and what not...
back in august of 2008 i was able to split my work week between my job at SAC and CFK and then gradually was able to let go of my vision that i felt was apart of my future.
in september of 2008 i gave up trying to forget CJ that i made a statement about her in my Blog. stating that i would love her even if she did not love me back... this declaration was a step backwards but i needed to be honest to my self and the world.
On friday december 6th i started listening on and off to Alex Jones. and woke up to the Powers that rule this world.
on Friday, 20 March, 2009 i had a gull bladder infection that i later had to had my gull bladder removed on Wednesday, 6 May, 2009.
around this time i got very interested in "conspiracy" theories mainly since it was just that i never knew that it was true that i was able to make things better for my self finding things other than CJ to think about. it pushed her out of my mind and it opened another can of worms that i had not thought would be offensive to open.
but even though i had other things on my plate i kept runing around in the same endless circle of thinking. i blogged when i was over whelmed with emotion. over whelmed with paranoia. and overwhelmed with my illness.
for the next 2 years i would try to rationalize my reasons that i kept e-mailing cj...
but as time progressed i lost the urge to write her. unless i was under alot of stress and i was thinking about her more when i was feeling under the pressure i was at times.
then just before Christmas 2009. i got a call from my dad asking me if i was going to come to moose jaw for Christmas. because of selfish reasons i told him no. i was not going to come to moose jaw for christmas. untill he told me that it would be the last Christmas that all five of us would be together.
That is when he informed me that he was Dying.
i went to moose jaw that following Christmas, but knowing that prior times taking the STC busses i would see illusions of her, i asked Robert if he could get me there. it was a little out of his way but since he was headed to Lloydminster to be with his sister, niece and nephew he was ok with taking me to moose jaw. since it would be the last time he would see my dad too.
i told my dad that i was sorry i could not give him a Grandchild like my sisters have and i made my last peace with him. and during the last 6 months of his life, i spent as often as i could in moose jaw to be with him.
then the unthinkable happened.
i saw someone who looked like CJ at the SAC.
the following Saturday i got a call from my mom.
My Dad Had died. on that Saturday
maybe that was what the vision was all about. but no....
like the old saying goes. be careful what you wish for, you might just get it. as i prayed that i would see her there before he died.
the picture i had on my Facebook page was taken the Christmas just before he died.
After my dad died i was given an opportunity to work full time at C4k. where i spent all my time and i was then moved away from SAC shortly after.
and on the 7th year anniversary of my last seeing CJ for the last time i wrote my last email to her and never looked back to her. i feel i was clear of the bond i placed on her and the bond i had for Nevada. i compared the mistakes i made with Nevada and the mistakes made with cj. and these mistakes i tried not to make with my third crush, Amanda.
Amanda is not entirely a crush in the sense of the word. i love her unconditionally, meaning that no matter how much she accepts me as a friend, loves me like none other or even if she cares not how much she loves me i know that if i become her soul mate i know where i went wrong with CJ and i know where i went wrong with Nevada. i cannot make the same mistakes with Amanda. because unlike CJ i will always forgive her for her mistakes and unlike Nevada i will always be honest on how i feel about her.
as for where my life is headed i do not know entirely. but i know that if the other half of that dream i had in 2006 comes true i know i don't have all that much time left. i will spend my time living day by day and hopping that God will point me in the direction that he wants me to focus and where to have my loyalties and who to avoid and who to follow. as times are changing and it will be quickly coming upon us suddenly like a thief in the night.
even then as of December of 2016 Amanda and I have not communicated, and i know that it has nothing to do with me this time. my mistake this time is the distance we have between each other.
God bless and thank you for your time.
